Day 42

It's been getting harder to stay consistent with this whole blogging thing. But sometimes I feel like it's hard to stay consistent with just about anything. Last night I had a dream about a rat. A great big white rat that kept trying to get to me. Just so you know, I hate rats, mice, and any other type of rodent. I find them extremely disgusting. Needless, to say the dream kind of freaked me out. So when I woke up, I checked under my bed for any rats. There was none, thank goodness. Today was just a really good, sunshiny day. I got my house clean, Baby girl was happy to just run around and play. Oh and speaking of baby girl, her dad has taught her how to buckle herself in her car seat. So when we try to unbuckle her and get her out, she tells us no and then buckles herself in again and claps afterwards. It's the cutest thing. Sometimes, it's really hard not to worry and be afraid of the future and what it holds. (especially when you don't feel prepared) But it's during moments like those that I realize that I just need to be here, in the present. I need to hold on to that which keeps me going. Namely, my family. I thank God everyday for my wonderful husband and adorable daughter. They are my sunshine during those rainy days. So keep going. Love ya all

Day 39

I haven't been able to blog because of some unfortunate technical difficulties with the Internet and computer. Technology is a wonder. . .  Over this past week, my life has still been hard but I've been still trying to continue to accentuate the positive highlights of my days. One thing that I have learned this past week is that God gives us trials to test and try us. When we continue to press forward with faith, God gives us bits and pieces of understanding. But if we falter and let our doubts overwhelm us, we lose sight of everything and are consumed in despair. Another thing that has been on my mind as of late is this connection: when I have a positive attitude-I have more hope in the world around me-when I have more hope-it leads to an increase in my faith that God will continue to take care of me and my family-when I have an increase of faith-I have an increase in understanding-etc etc. . . .And that is what makes me a happier me. Yes, bad things continue to happen and will continue to happen but at the same time God will continue to bless me and bare me up so long as I don't turn my back on Him.
Today was a rough day. It was full of bad news and disappointments but you know I could feel God helping me through it. I don't know how else to explain how God makes some one's burden feel light. Perhaps it's just the realization that with every down there is an up. With every negative there is a positive. And that's what God's tender mercies are. Yes, we weren't able to get Andre's contacts but we were able to get a much needed oil change on the truck. So there you go. Have a positive attitude and gratefully turn your lemons into lemonade. Va La! Rant over. Love you all

Day 26

The little stresses kept getting to me today. Probably because I had a lot going on today. I think that baby girl has officially decided that she is going to be a contemporary artist. I took her to a little preschool group today and she was so adorable. We made cute little crafts and she decided that she liked the modern contemporary style and she would change whatever we were working on to fit that style. Well it was rather humorous that we walked because while we walked there the weather was nice but on the way back it decided to snow. I mean blizzard it isn't going to stop type of snow. Thank God for good friends who are sweet enough to offer a ride. Near the end of today, I was feeling a little overwhelmed with all the housework that needs to get done plus all my other things. But my husband just sat and held me so that I could recollect myself. I think I'm still going to put it all off till tomorrow. I'm just too tired. Besides my living room is clean, I think I can live with the rest of the house. love you all!

Day 24-25

I've been having a hard time staying positive. There's a lot of wear and tare that goes on in life and after a while, I start to feel like I need a little breather. So what do you do when life wears you down so much that you feel like you can't take it anymore? Me, I pray. Because it's hard for me to open up to anyone. Sometimes I do feel completely unforgiving of myself, like everything I do is wrong. So what then? Do you just try to see the good and positive within yourself? Is that what it means to be self-forgiving?
The good I did today was I crocheted, I fed my baby girl, and I cleaned my home. That's it. So why don't I feel any self achievement? Must I, as a woman, feel like I need to do some sort of super hero type of activity in order to feel accomplished? What do I take satisfaction in? What then, makes me feel like I accomplished something? I really have to stop and think about these questions because with some them, I honestly don't know. I don't know what gives me that sense of accomplishment. I guess I get it when I create something. I will say this, however, when I get this way I try to stop, take a step back, and simply say thank you. So that I can feel satisfaction for all those things that I do have and so that I can say thank you God, for helping me get this far. And then I press forward, with a lighter back and a happier smile. That's when things seem just a little bit better. I just try to remember that God is with me as long as I am doing my part. Love you all!

Days 19-23

I've been sick. A fever-sore-throat-chills-fatigue-cramping-muscles-headache type of sick. It was a really weird flu. It came on Wednesday for a visit and decided to stay until today when it packed up and left. The worst house guest ever. I'm fairly sure it was some kind of mutated flu virus thingy. Anyways, baby girl some how made it through without getting sick and thanks to an amazing husband and visiting teacher, I also was able to make it through. Although, my apartment didn't. Sadly, when I woke up this morning my apartment desperately needed a makeover. So that's what it is going to happen this week. Yay! To tell you the truth, I'm actually a very bad sick person. When all I can do is sit around or sleep because I'm physically unable to stand, I throw a fit. Not literally but in my head I do. So this week was rather rough on all three of us (well four if you include the apartment). But through it all I was able to see God's helping hand. It came in the form of: my visiting teacher who was kind enough to take some time out of her day to come over and watch baby girl so that I could get some rest; my husband who called to make sure I was actually eating and taking stuff to help me with the symptoms; and my baby girl who always had a smile for me. But I still had to work at being positive or rather hopeful that it wasn't going to last and would be over soon. Some days were more rough than others and I always felt exhausted. But I learned a lot about myself. Namely, that certain learning circumstances need to happen in order for us to be able to learn. Like when I make a mistake or when I get sick. I feel like life is just a full opportunity for us to learn and grow from. That all the experiences that we have in this life happen so that we can learn from them and in so doing, grow. I feel like the main thing that has happened to me during this week is that I have drawn closer to God and my faith and trust in Him has increased. It was through the smallest things too. Like the first day I got sick (and I was really sick, it was the worst day!), baby girl was very happy, very playful and I mainly just sat on the couch and watched her. She is a toddler and I completely expected her to get into some sort of trouble. But no, she was fine. She made a few small messes but nothing I had to really stress about. Is that God's hand at work? To me, yes! Yes it is! It is those small things, that seem of almost no consequence that His tender mercies come. And we can only see them if we look.  I think this picture painted by Greg Olsen shows best what I'm trying to say:

The smallest things matter!

Anyways, I can say with confidence that this week will be better. I'm going to be better! I'm going to think positive! Love you all!

Days 17&18

So yesterday, we were having technical difficulties with the computer and internet. It was also during that time that I got a nasty light sensitive migraine. But today was better. I was productive. I got my house cleaned, dinner made, we even went to the library. Baby girl was really happy with all the new books she got. So altogether it's been a couple of pretty positive days.

Day 15&16

OK, so another grumpy day, but let me tell you about it. But first a little something about yesterday.  Yesterday was great. I went to my sister's place and we went shopping and I got my laundry done. Plus she really cheered me up after having an extremely stressful week. On the downside, Andre worked until 6 yesterday, but he got today off! So now for the scoop on today.
I woke up at an early 7am to an unruly teething baby. Needless to say I wasn't too keen on getting up, (I like my beauty sleep, thanks) tending to baby, making breakfast, getting ready for church, etc, etc. . .
Sometimes all I feel like I ever do is work. Well when we did eventually got to church we sat by an extremely sweet lady who was kind enough to let baby girl play with her and get in her purse while I had a bit of a melt down. Thank God for angels. So then it was on to primary and surprisingly enough I had three really good kids today. They were all really sweet. When church finally got out, baby girl and I were both starving and unfortunately, Andre had a meeting for his calling. So I went home without him. By this time I was just getting more and more cranky but God gives us all tender mercies. This one happened to take the form of two very sweet home teachers. I simply felt loved because they just came over and sat and talked with us. It was just nice to know that they care. When they left, God still wasn't through with His quiet tender mercies. I then got phone calls from both my mom, my sister, and my granny. So you think that after all that I would be feeling a lot happier, right? Nope. I wasn't as grumpy but I was still feeling a little disgruntled. So His final tender mercy came from my sweet sweet husband.  He sat me down and we talked. We talked about today, what we learned, we talked about what was going on, what was going to happen within the next couple weeks. Now let me backpedal a couple of paces and tell you why I was so upset: 1) we have been having a lot of financial difficulties, 2) Andre has to work 12 hour shifts, 6 days a week for the next 3 weeks (maybe it might be longer), and 3) because of all said above, I was feeling really angry with God. I was feeling angry with Him because I felt like He should be blessing us. Hey, we've been paying our tithes and fasts, we've been being obedient to the best of our abilities, we've been kind, we've been serving others, so where were the promised blessings? Does He not promise us that He will pour out the blessings of heaven that there will not be room enough to receive it? That's how I was feeling: just angry. So Andre turns to me and simply says "If you feel so angry with Him, why don't you get on your knees and tell Him?" That's it. That's what it took to make me feel happy again. The biggest reason why that struck me so hard is because I know that God hears and answers prayers; and I know that He hears and answers my prayers and I knew He would hear me. That's why I felt so relieved and so much better: because that knowledge gave me hope! Anyways, I love you all! ttyl

Day 14

Ok, so today I was still feeling the side effects of yesterday and as a result I was a little cranky. And I really didn't want to babysit today. I had a fairly bad mood until my sister called. Then I felt a little more cheerful. She has that effect on people. Baby girl has this new thing where she flutters her eyelashes to try to get out of trouble. It's so cute. We had tomato soup for dinner tonight and who knew that it doesn't go over so well with a one year old. She had it everywhere! In her hair, in her ears, all over her arms, everywhere! So she got a bath and then went to bed. But she enjoyed her bath. She also has this new thing where she will throw something on the floor and then wait for me to pick it up. Then once I pick it up she say "thank you" and then throw it on the floor again.
Till tomorrow! Love you all!

Day 13

I am exhausted. Physically and mentally exhausted. I watched two 3 month olds and only got 5 1/2 hours of sleep last night. I'm not even sure why. I just couldn't sleep. I honestly thought I was going to have a mental break down. But my hubby, I thank God every day for him, helped me a ton today. And he put the child's locks on the cupboards so that baby girl couldn't get in them. That's all I can write tonight. Love you all.

Day 12

So today I realized something. While it's really good to be positive, there's still a need to have a reality check on occasion. In other words it's good to see and look for the good in life but I still need to be careful and watchful so that I don't get a blind sided by reality. Because reality is depressing especially when it sneaks up on you. So today I was feeling really lazy cause I just didn't want to do anything except watch TV. In fact just before I wrote this, I was feeling terrible because I felt like I was being lazy. But then, my kind and loving husband pointed out to me just how much I did do today versus how much I didn't. He said "before you go telling yourself that your a lazy person, ask yourself, how much did you did do today?" To me that was a very profound question and one that I really do need to think about.
Today, I was tired because I was up at 3 am (I woke up at 3 because baby girl decided to complain about her teething) and I stayed up late last night with the hubby. But I was still in a pretty good mood even though I had a little baby throw up all over me. Mostly I was just admiring how smart my little girl is. She kept throwing her potatoes on the floor and Andre would tell her no don't do that. So then she waited till he left the room to throw the her potatoes on the floor. It made my day. That and she has been walking like crazy! Till tomorrow! Love ya all!

Day 11

So today I had to finally admit that my little baby is no longer a little baby. (Sad face) She is a toddler. She no longer fits into her 12 month sizes no matter how much I think that she does. I officially had to bring out her 18 month clothes. Sigh. But it's good. Also, my daughter is a girl after my own heart. She loves shoes!!! I love shoes too. I had been storing some shoes with her clothes, and she wanted to try all of them on. It was so adorable. After we came home from running errands, I took her shoes off. She didn't like that very much and quickly put them back on her feet as best she could, which didn't exactly work. So I helped her. Then She decided to walk around the entire apartment with her shoes on. It was so funny. Luckily, she went to bed early tonight so I got to have a mini date with my husband. It was nice. Oh and yes, I was true to myself and did get some cleaning done.

Truth be told, today was not all hunky dory. I was feeling really down earlier this morning. So I decided to listen to a program that talked about gospel solutions to everyday family problems. Here's a link it had some really great insights: http://www.mormonchannel.org/gospel-solutions-for-families Anyways, while I was listening to the program, I just felt better. I felt hopeful. I've been thinking a lot lately about hope and how in today's world it is so easy to just go without. Now for me, I get really depressed whenever I go without hope. In fact depression is something that I've had to fight my entire life (which is one of the reasons why I'm writing this blog. It's been really helping me fight my depression). But whenever I start feeling like there is no hope, a certain scripture found in Either 12:4 comes to mind. It states, "Wherefore, whoso believeth in God might with surety hope for a better world, yea, even a place at the right hand of God, which hope cometh of faith, maketh an anchor to the souls of men, which would make them sure and steadfast, always abounding in good works, being led to glorify God." By just believing in God We can hope for a better world!! That in of itself gives me hope. And that is what makes me positive! Till tomorrow! Love you all!

Day 10

10 days already? I feel like I just started. So I woke up with my house clean and beautiful and I am now going to bed with it a disaster. But at least my baby is happy. Oh well. I didn't have to watch anybody's baby other then my own. Although I did get to see my friend's adorable little new born. I love new born babies. They have such a reverent feeling about them. Right now my little one is making a mess in my kitchen and talking to the items she is making a mess with. She really is very cute. Today was a lazy good day. Mind you, I don't feel very accomplished but hey, that's why we have tomorrow, right? So maybe I'll be more productive and clean a little more tomorrow. But what the heck, I'm going to enjoy today by spending time with my baby and giving myself a little time. And I'm not going to feel guilty about it because my daughter is only going to be this cute once. So I am going to enjoy her sweetness. So till tomorrow! Love you all!

Day 8&9 (oops)

Oops, skipped yesterday. So yesterday was actually a pretty good day except for this one little thing that happened at the very end of the day. That's when I didn't feel like writing. oh well.
So a little on yesterday. My mom came up from Mona and that was fine. We walked around the mall and we went to the church history museum. I got to talk and really bond with my mom. It was nice. It wasn't until after my mom left that my little problem came up. I'll just right now, I'm grateful to have a patient husband.
Because of what happened last night, I was in a really crappy mood this morning. And it being fast Sunday, really didn't help. But I did decide to fast today. Now, a little 101 on me: I am hypoglycemic and on top of that I'm still nursing. That essentially means that it really isn't a good idea for me to fast unless I'm really desperate. Today I was desperate. Last night, was a bit of a climatic point of a problem that has been going on for a while. I couldn't take it anymore. So I fasted. And something amazing happened today. I went to church and I just felt loved. I got hugged (my love language is touch btw: I love hugs) by more than one person. I had several people come up to me and just say hi and ask how I was doing. I am a little amazed of how much love I did feel today. God truly does send Angels round about us to bear us up. Especially when we need it the most. From my fasting and a lot of prayer, I was able to receive a much needed understanding of this problem. So now I feel better equipped with how I can deal with my little problem. I also was able to look at said problem from a very logical point of view. I was able to take a step back, emotionally, and come up with a working solution. I know that there is no way that I could have done that with out God's help. I am soo grateful for His mercy. It is through the power of His mercy that He answered my prayer and that He was really watching out for me today. I honestly don't think that I would have made it through without His help.  I want to shout out to my readers: THANK YOU! I'm grateful for all of you and your inspiring, simply positive comments! They mean a lot! Love you all!

Day 7

Seven, doesn't that mean completion? Random thought. Today, I was actually really carefree. No extra little babies to take of, (just my own sweet little one) Sushi for dinner tonight, got to talk to my brother on the phone. Ya, today was just good. I enjoyed today and felt really carefree. So today I'm just going to say Thank you. Thank you, God, for my family, my friends, for today! Oh yes, and for Sushi! Love you all! Till tomorrow.

Day 6 (insights)

So today was interesting. I was watching two little two-month-olds as well as my toddler. To say today was difficult would be putting it mildly. But hey, what doesn't kill you, makes you stronger, right? At least that's how I felt. I felt like I was doing an intense endurance work-out. Anyways, mostly I felt like God was helping me today. I felt like He was helping me look for, see, and understand the tender mercies that He gives me. I honestly feel like that's what I do when I focus on the positive. I feel like I'm trying to see what God has been doing for me. I know this is a small thing but it helped me stay sane; the babies eating schedules didn't coincide. So I was able to feed one baby and hold my girl and then feed the next baby and still pay attention to my girl. That's how God helped me today.
I want to point out one more thing that I learned about positive thinking. Negative thinking is a habit, a bad habit, but still a habit. I had hard wired my brain to think negatively. Now in order to combat this bad habit I have to rewire my brain (my very thought processes) to think positively. Sounds a little overwhelming, doesn't it? Well I think it does. But I do know that through God all things are possible. That and a lot of patience and persistence.
Today has made me very thoughtful, because I kept catching myself thinking negatively. It wasn't just about one thing, either. It was about everything. Then I would start feeling discouraged about thinking negatively and think badly about myself. That's when I had to just say to myself: Anna, focus on the good. I'm not perfect at this but I am learning a lot. Thanks for ya'll for reading! Love you all.

Day 5

I was very cranky today. I guess you could say that I woke up on the wrong side of the bed. To be honest I was beating myself up about, until I read a post on my blog about giving yourself a little leniency in allowing yourself to be human. What?! I don't have to be perfect?! No, I don't. I believe that I do need to be perfect through Christ. But I also believe that in so doing that, that I need to forgive myself for my little imperfections and inconsistencies. Here's an example: I have started to wean baby girl. Let me tell you right now that, it is DIFFICULT! Especially when she's teething and super clingy. There are some days, like today, when I just feel like running away and hiding from the world. But I didn't. I did, however, worry about her eating enough, but she did. She went to bed happy, she's growing, and she is definitely not starving to death. I'd say that's a pretty much mission accomplished. With a child, I'm really learning not to let the little things get to me. It's a process.
I do have to say that I think I solved my baby girl's jealousy problem. (thanks to my wise mother) I had my baby hold the other baby on her lap while we read books together. It worked like a charm. It was positive and it lightened my day. Oh yes, and it's raining! I love the rain! Till tomorrow. Love you all

Day 4

So today was long. I think days always feel longer when you're in physical pain, don't you? Anyways, baby girl was acting ornery all day, Andre was driving me crazy, I woke up with a headache, and the little baby I was watching today screamed at me all day. So yes today was lovely. I came across an article about an experiment and it sounds unbelievable but at the same time it makes sense. I think it's very relevant here. Dr. Masaru Emoto, is a Japanese researcher who conducted an experiment using water, rice, and positive and negative thoughts. He wanted to prove that human thought and emotion effects the environment around them. Here's the link on his experiment: http://themindunleashed.org/2014/01/scientific-proof-thoughts-intentions-can-alter-physical-world-around-us.html.

I honestly agree with his conclusion. What we think and feel does have an effect on the world around us; directly and indirectly. We reap what we sow. So yes even though, I had (what I thought) to be a bit of a bad day, I didn't have to act upon it. Sometimes, yes I get angry, yes I get upset, yes I am human. That's ok! It's ok to feel those emotions. What isn't ok, is to act upon them. So that's what I focused on today. Even though, I was upset, I focused on acting differently. No, I didn't just bottle up my emotions to let them sit and simmer till they boiled over like I usually do. Instead, I vented them out to my husband (I thank God every day for him) and then just left them there. I didn't re-contemplate what made me upset or why, I just let them go. Because they didn't matter. They were small and insignificant things that just didn't not matter. So now I'm going to focus on all the good things that did happen today. Like when I got to talk to my mom and about how she has been, and when I talked to my sister. Those were both good things. My baby girl, entertained me when she decided to play with her stuffed animals in her circus tent, happily squealing the entire time. And lastly, when my husband gave me some chocolate (it was very much needed, and it was dark). All these good things happened to me today and I am grateful for them. Love you all, till tomorrow!

Day 3

Monday. . .  During the week I babysit for a 2 month old every day for about 5 hours. She really is very cute but she can also be a little screamer. Those are the days that are hard. Well today she was actually really good. She slept about the entire time she was here. It was my little baby who was jealous and was making things difficult. On top of that she was cranky because she's teething.  But I have an amazing husband because as soon as he got home he cleaned up our place and took our baby girl just so that I could have some to calm down. Sure it was super small, but it meant a lot. Lately, he's been rearranging the apartment and so our home looks like a tornado struck it. But he's also been working on it even when he has a migraine. So there you go: today I'm grateful for my husband and the small things that he does. Love ya all!

Day 2

So today was sunday. sigh. . . It was long. For anyone who does not know, I am LDS. (Yes I am a Mormon and yes I go to church for 3 hours on Sunday) I also teach the junior class in primary. (3-7yrs) It's not exactly the easiest class to teach but it can be very insightful. Today's lesson was on following Christ. Piece of cake, right? Wrong. The kids were exceptionally rowdy today and with a whole 30 minutes that I still needed to fill I was about ready to pull my hair out. But then something extraordinary happened: I pulled out some pictures of Christ and started looking at them and then one after the other, the children started looking at them with me (with the exception of one small boy who was talking to his crayon). By this time I was looking at a picture were Christ calms the seas:

 That's when one of the girls turns to me and asks "what's happening in this picture?"
A whole discussion opened about Jesus! For the next 30 minutes that's all we talked about and it was amazing! The children were captivated as I told story after story and answered question after question about my Savior. We talked about how He raised Lazurus from the dead, how He will come again, and of course the stormy sea. They all decided to draw pictures of themselves standing next to Christ. I felt so amazed. It truly is the littlest things that make the biggest difference in our lives. I would also dare to venture that it is how we choose to act with what we're given and with how we deal with things that make those little things seem so big. Anyways, I'm just so grateful for the insights of small children. I learn a lot from them when I listen. Till tomorrow! Love you all!

Day 1

Sheesh, for me this really is a challenge. I never realized how much I focused on the negative till I decided to go for the positive. Well today I went down to my sister's for a shopping trip to the mall with our mom and a couple other siblings. Sounds fun, eh? Well that's what I thought, especially since my husband was going to be gone all day at work. Who wants to stay home by themselves? Not me! Well this "fun trip" included a hour long train ride down to Provo and then back up again to  Murray. And with a 1-year-old. . .Well let's just say you stay on your toes. But it actually wasn't that bad. To be honest my baby girl was the silver lining in my rain cloud day. On the train ride she was quick to point out everything we passed and ask "what's that?". Her face is always so full of wonder with every new thing she encounters. I'm amazed by her intelligence. 

          Well after shopping and all that jazz, I came home to my over-stressed, over-exhausted husband. I have a problem  where I'm not like most wives. When my husband gets this way I usually get annoyed. Yes, I know, I am a very selfish person. But it was OK because once again my baby girl led the way. As soon as he walked in the door she let out a squeal of delight and raced for him. I am just amazed at how, regardless of circumstances and hardship, my baby has a huge amount of love inside that tiny body of hers that she gives to everyone, but especially her dad. That's when I ask myself, well if my one year old can do it, why can't I? To continue with my baby girl's cuteness my husband went and fell asleep in her indoor tent (yes the tent is that big and my goofy husband likes to try and fit himself into small spaces). So she followed him into the tent and jumped on him the entire time he was asleep until he went out of the tent. 

      You know, with writing this entry, I realize that most of my day was really good, it was just small little inconveniences that made me think my day was bad. That's dumb. Anyways, I'm very happy to say that to end the day my husband and I went to the temple. It was very much needed. 

      Love you all! Thanks for your feedback.

Experiment

So ever since I started blogging I've been really struggling with it. I'm a very closed off person and struggle to communicate to the rest of the world what I'm thinking or feeling. I guess I'm mostly scared of being vulnerable to everyone else. That's a mainly a trust issue. But with this point of view I've realized that I'm also a very negative person. I'm very judgemental  and I WANT TO CHANGE! So starting today I'm starting a 365 day experiment. The point of this experiment is for me to change to a positive, loving person. (It helps to blog about it because it holds me accountable) So here's what I'm going to do. Everyday I'm going to set aside some time and talk about my day, how it went and blah blah blah. But with that I'm going to make an effort to point out things that were positive that  happened that day. So as my reader, please feel free to give me any pointers and tips. They will be very much appreciated.